Allan R

Sorry Jamesbo, You took all the good titles so I'm left with stuff animals can relate to.

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antartica - where do they go? Wonder no more.

It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.

The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintaining a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.

If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.


The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:









"Freeze a jolly good fellow"

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

And that, my friends is Penguin humor. Next.....still thinking....

Allan R

Ok next is Wabbits...

A precious little girl walks into a petsmart shop and asks,
in the sweetest little lisp, between two missing teeth, "Excuthe me,
mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?"


As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees so that
he's on her level and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit,
or a thoft and fuwwy, bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle
bwown wabbit over there?"


She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her
hands on her knees, leans forward and says, in a tiny quiet voice,

"I don't think my python weally gives a thit."

Jamesbo

Some days I wish I weren't a mod and could link you to Youtube where the chimps tell the old penguin joke

Oldsguy

That's what PMs are for....

Allan R

You mean the one about the chimp in the bar who tells the one about the penguin with the broken down car ....and the ice cream???? I love that.

What's the policy about links to you tube? I've seen lots of them posted on CO before. Thought I'd better ask before I put in something that gets me kicked in the funny pants.

Jamesbo

I think links to Youtube are fine. I just thought that one was a little err on the edge. To me the delivery is what makes that one so funny.

Allan R

Aw, c'mon Jamesbo,
any joke that's told by a monkey has my attention!!

70 cutlass s

Monkeys always make me laugh.

Allan R

A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees.

The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The bartender pours the man a drink on the house and he puts the rat and piano away.

After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The man reaches into his pockets again and pulls out the tiny rat and tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into a third pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music.

While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100,000.00 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250,000.00 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000.00 cash.

The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500,000!"

"Don't worry about it," the man answered. "The frog was nothing special, the rat's a ventriloquist."

Jamesbo

Stolen from Ken

This Baby Seal goes into a bar.

The bartender says, "What'll ya have"

The baby seal says, "Anything but Canadian Club on the rocks "

Allan R

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has 15 budgies tied to each arm, the other has 20 parrots tied to his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and use the ground to break their fall.....Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron looks over at the other and says, "I think budgie-jumping is way over rated"

The other moron replies, "Yeah, so is para-sailing."

Allan R

Randy the dishwasher repairman was given specific instructions concerning the woman's two pets. "The Rottweiler won't hurt you, even though it looks fierce, but whatever you do, don't talk to the parrot."
Randy let himself in and set to work, and the dog just lay quietly on the carpet. But the parrot mocked him mercilessly the whole time.
"Wow, you're pretty fat," the bird would say. "Hey, fatso, you couldn't change the batteries in a flashlight, let alone fix a dishwasher."
Before long, Randy had had enough. "You know, bird, you think you're pretty smart for someone with a brain the size of a pea."
The parrot was silent for a moment, and then, with a gleam in its eye, said, "All right. Get him, Spike."

TripDeuces

oldsguybry

lol

oldsguybry

Yeah I seen the monkey in the bar one

Allan R

11971four4two

Allan R

Three rats are sitting at the bar talking bragging about their bravery and toughness.

The first says, "I'm so tough, once I ate a whole bagful of rat poison!"

The second says, "Well I'm so tough, once I was caught in a rat trap and I bit it apart!"

Then the third rat gets up and says, "Later guys, I'm off home to harass the cat."

Blackpage

Blackpage

oldsguybry

I see nothing Blackpage

ELY442

11971four4two

why did squirrel fall out of da tree?????






he
s
l
i
p
p
e
d

slantflat

Okay you're gonna have to explain that one.

Blackpage

Sorry about that. I copied and pasted the pics from an email I've since deleted.

ELY442

Allan R

ELY442

ELY442

Rickman48

Husband and Wife were driving down the road, on a cold January day.
All of a sudden, the wife says "stop the car, pull over!" Husband does, and asks "Why".
She says "I saw something small and furry."
They walk back, and there's a baby skunk, just lying there.
She picks it up, it moves a little, and she asks her Husband, "poor things almost froze to death, can we get it warm tonight, and we'll let it go in the morning?"
Husband agrees, and they get back in the car. She then asks "where can I put it to keep it warm?"
He responds "between your legs, it's pretty warm there"
She asks "What about the smell?"
He says "Hold it's little nose!!"
He was out of the hospital in about three weeks, but the skunk she beat him with didn't make it!

Allan R

A robber goes into a priests house house while the good father is at evening mass.
Knowing the Priest isn't home he goes into the house very sure of himself.
Before he's even taken two steps, he hears a voice say "Jesus is watching you and so am I"
The burglar turned around and saw a parrot in a cage. "Oh it's just a stupid bird".
He takes a couple more steps and hears the parrot say "Jesus is watching you and so am I".
"Shut up you stupid bird" he says.
Just as he passes the dining table he hears the parrot say "Jesus is watching you and so am I".
Before he could turn to say shut up he hears a low growl come from under the table and a huge pit bull lumbers out.
The parrot whistles and says "Sic him Jesus!!"

ELY442

GAOldsman

If you have ever watched Bruce Almighty then this will definitely make you laugh

http://www.wimp.com/almightycow/

Allan R

LOL, ROTFLMAO!!!! Better even than 'Lucky Charms'...

ELY442

ELY442

So that's where Easter eggs came from.

ELY442

rfpowerdude

Yes, run very fast back to the south pole...

fleming442

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey. The monkey grabbed some olives off the bar and ate them.

Then he grabbed some sliced limes and ate them.

He then jumped onto the pool table and grabbed one of the *****.

To everyone's amazement, he stuck it in his mouth and somehow swallowed it whole.

The bartender looked at the guy and said, "Did you see what your Monkey just did?"

"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table...whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight, don't worry, I'll pay for the cue ball."

The guy finished his drink, paid his bill, paid for the stuff the Monkey ate and left.

Two weeks later the guy came back, and had his monkey with him. He ordered a drink and the monkey started running around the bar. The Monkey found a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabbed it, stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and then ate it.

Then the monkey found a peanut, and again stuck it up his butt, pulled it out, and ate it. The bartender asked, "Did you see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy.
"He will eat anything, but ever since he passed that cue ball, he measures everything first."

Blackpage

As a law enforcement officer I have been approached by several people lately wanting to know how to identify a Meth Lab.


Here is a picture of four Labs. I think it's pretty obvious which one is the Meth Lab. I hope this helps.





Let me know if I can be of any further service in this matter.


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