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Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks,
both die, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota,
the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and
drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at
da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally
he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat
off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads
for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their
parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Hoooo!!!!!
I'm a Vike fan & I still get a chuckle out of it!
Ralph
Originally Posted by csstrux
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks,
both die, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota,
the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and
drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at
da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally
he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat
off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads
for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their
parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Ole and Sven have a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks,
both die, and go to Hell.
The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves.
He says to them, 'Doesn't the heat and smoke bother you?'
Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of
snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya
know.'
The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough and turns up the
heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota,
the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and
drinking beer.
The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and
you two seem to be enjoying yourselves!'
Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at
da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'
The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally
he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have
been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat
off.
The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging
everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail,
moan, or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads
for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their
parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering,
yelling and screaming like mad men.
The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat
you're happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you're still happy. What is
wrong with you two?'
They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if
hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Swedes to the Rescue!!
One day there's a terrible fire at the local bakery and 3 of the local FD's are called in.
The President of the bakery is frantic. "Our secret recipes are all locked in the safe" he cries out. "Get them out before they're destroyed".
The local volunteer FDs just look at him, then the inferno. "It would be sheer suicide to go in there now" says one of the Captains.
"I'll give whichever one of you saves the company secrets a bonus $50,000.00" despairs the desperate president.
The Captains withdraw and think about it. Back in the distance comes the wail of another fire engine. Looking quickly behind them, the President of the company and the 3 Captains are just in time to see the Swedish Volunteer Fire Dept truck come careening down the street and blaze headlong through the front doors of the factory.
Out of the truck jumps Ole, Sven an da boys and dey beat dat fire out wit almost nodding but der bare hands!!! Almost no one can believe the bravery and ability of these tough old Swedes.
The President of the bakery is overcome with emotion. Quietly he stands before Ole and Sven and tells them they've just earned a bonus $50,000.00 for saving the company secrets before the fire could get to his office. "Now, what plans do you have for the money?" he asks.
"Vell, one ting fer shure" says Sven "We're gonna get da brakes on dat fokking truck fixed!!"
I ordered a burger at McDonald's and the kid behind the counter asked, "Can you afford fries with that?"
CEOs are now playing miniature golf.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
Hot Wheels and Matchbox stocks are trading higher than GM.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names..
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico .
Dick Cheney took his stockbroker hunting.
Motel Six won't leave the light on anymore.
The Mafia is laying off judges.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
Congress says they are looking into this Bernie Madoff scandal. Oh Great! The guy who made $50-Billion disappear is being investigated by the people who made $1.5-Trillion disappear!
And, finally...
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Lifeline. I got a call center in Pakistan , and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Stimulating topic
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, 'Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?' No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, 'You should not be asking sixth graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the Principal, who will then fire you!' Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, 'Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?' Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, 'Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!' The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, 'Anybody?' Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, 'The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.' Mrs. Parks said, 'Very good, Billy,' then turned to Mary and continued. 'As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, VERY disappointed.'
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Some true statements
1.. My wife and I divorced over religious differences. She thought she was God and I didn't.. (only men will understand this.... Sandy.... move on to the next one) 2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it. (from the diary of Redgoat) 3.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them. (Ain't that the truth?) 4.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke... the handle, you idiot!! 5.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive. (Get a CCP) 6.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me (Just ask BlueVista) 7.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. (Allan R knows this) 8.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe. (Anyone wanna challenge this??) 9.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing. (Not been there, done that, I'm still there, doing it) 10.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.. (start without me, it's not gonna make sense anyway...) 11.. God must love stupid people; He made so many. (Whaddaya say Sandy?) 12.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine. (especially in Texas, huh Rob?) 13.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. (Ask Jamesbo) 14.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? (Ever stop to think, and forge.......) 15.. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it! (All us old guys gotta stay together on this!!) 16.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up. (right cittcap?) 17.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes. (apologies to Steinbeck) 18.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance. (or a paid up VISA card) 19.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere! (Actually, stoopidity Rules, I'll park wherever I want) 20...They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.. (hee hee hee...) 21.. He who dies with the most toys is still DEAD. 22.. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig. (anyone seen Waldo lately?) MY PERSONAL FAVORITE........ 23.. I smile a lot because I don't know what the hell is going on. (I'm smiling as I type this....)
Good post Allan and thanks for the pwesonal touch. My wife does say I look like a ahar pei and when I lay on my back all of the loose skin covers my ears. I used to think she like me now I'm not so sure
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
A Touching Home Depot Story
Charlie was fixing a door and found that he needed a new hinge, so he sent his wife Mary to Home Depot. At Home Depot, Mary saw a beautiful bathroom faucet while she was waiting for Walt, (the manager) to finish waiting on a customer.
When Walt was finished, Mary asked.. 'How much for that faucet?'
Walt replied, 'That's pewter and it costs $300.' My goodness that sure is a lot Mary exclaimed. Then she proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy, and Walt went to the back room to find it.
From the back room Walt yelled, 'Mary, you wanna screw for that hinge?'
Mary replied, 'No, but I will for the faucet.'
This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot...
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Hide your DL from your kids
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.' Mommy,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?' 'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied. 'It's not polite...' 'OK', the little girl says, 'How much do you weigh?' 'Now really,' the mother says, those are personal questions and are really none of your business. 'Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?''That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!' The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend. 'Well,' says the friend, 'all you need to do is look at her driver's license..it's like a report card, it has everything on it.' Later that night the little girl says to her mother, 'I know how old you are... You are 32.'The mother is surprised and asks, 'How did you find that out?'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.' The mother is past surprised and shocked now. 'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'' And,' the little girl says triumphantly, 'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'
'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?' 'Because you got an F in sex.'
A woman arrived at a party and while scanning the guests, spotted an attractive man standing alone.
She approached him, smiled and said, "Hello. My name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name," he replied. "Is it a family name?"
"No," she replied. As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things that I enjoy the most - cars and men. Therefore, I chose "Carmen. "What's your name?"
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners asked students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
"What about you Sherman, how would you say it?"
Sherman said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table. "
And you, Tony, can you show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner."
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Don't mess with Mother Nature
Towards the end of the golf course, Tom hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellowbuttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended upthrashing just about every buttercup in the patch.. All of a sudden . . . POOF!!In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.She said, "I'm Mother Nature!" "Do you know how long it took me to make thosebuttercups?" "Just for doing what you have done, you won't haveany butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life; better still, you won't have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life .... As a matter of fact, you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!!!"
Then POOF! . . . she was gone!
After Tom recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, "Fred, where are you?"
Fred yells back, "I'm over here in the ***** willows."
Tom shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred; FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed.
The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge.
The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat.
Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own
country?
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently,Tiger Woods was right, when he said your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Originally Posted by cutlassgal
Allan R.... you behave yourself!!!!
Don't I always? After all, I have an "impeckkable" and "dithpicable" sense of humor. Look, a flying monkey.......
Last night I was curling and our second (young lady we call Sarah. She spends most of her time texting) was sweeping alongside me. (not sleeping alongside) Anyway she said she had some hair stuck in her mouth. I just looked at her and smiled...........then she realized that I was probably thinking.....in the gutter...... ...well maybe a little... She's not that cute, and besides, I have a great wife that means the world to me. Oh, did I mention I get the road trip to myself for a whole week out of town with "da boys?"
A guy can sit on a bar stool here and listen to only so many stories before he has to get up and seek relief.
I have a favorite bar stool which I ALWAYS sit on at this bar. I have put a great deal of time into forming the perfect fit between myself and this seat - and it fits like a glove. Hopefully, when I return it should not be occupied by anyone else.
Thanks in advance for your cooperation!
Last edited by The Roadmaster; February 12th, 2010 at 12:05 PM.
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Originally Posted by The Roadmaster
A guy can sit on a bar stool here and listen to only so many stories before he has to get up and seek relief.
I have a favorite bar stool which I ALWAYS sit on at this bar. I have put a great deal of time into forming the perfect fit between myself and this seat - and it fits like a glove. Hopefully, when I return it should not be occupied by anyone else.
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Originally Posted by cutlassgal
Here's another "stool" ya can enjoy.....
Really???
Looks like a lot of "bull" to me.... . You wouldn't be trying to "steer" us in the wrong direction now would ya? Yippee aye yeeeaaaa, cow paddy, I'm gonna find out who ran off with yer daddy....
Location: Edmonton, AB. And "I am Can 'eh' jun - eh"
Posts: 24,525
Back in the 60's the Canadian Gov't spent some money developing a series of Hinterland Who's who short videos to profile the life of some endangered or misunderstood animals. This video isn't one of those....it's waaaaayyy better. To learn more about the various types of spider behaviour when influenced by drugs, visit this link, and bring your popcorn http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc
This was a cool thread that has been in the vault for years! Just happen to stumble over it this morning. I see some are still active members with good sense of humour. You guys have anymore ??
I will just leave this little pic and maybe you guys will resurrect the humour you shared years ago.
Unfortunately We lost Cutlasgal {Sandy] to cancer a few years ago and Citcapp [ Pat] passed away also. Great members and well missed by all that knew them
January 14th, 2010, 05:12 PM
Ralph
...well maybe a little...
